I’m not Built for Speed (Dating)

Self-analysis is an important part of one’s growth. This past week in my self-analysis a vision was given to me that I fold under peer pressure. On Saturday I said, “Hey, food,” and my friend said, “Eat it!” and I did…(I will go more in depth on this in a future blog).  My second fall into peer pressure was to sign up for speed dating strictly because my friend told me it would be a good blog post.

Most things in Eric’s life can’t be simple and must be as stressful as possible.  Speed dating is no exception.  

The Timeline. (In third person)

Monday – Eric’s sister’s friend (is not his friend) sends him a link to a Keloland news article saying there is speed dating in SF (Sioux Falls aka SuFu) on Thursday, and they need guys.  Monday is the last day to sign up. Impulsively, Eric goes for it.  If nothing else, we’ll (he’ll) get a blog out of it. 

Tuesday – Lynde Construction needs to visit the Queen of South Dakota for a two-day trip to Pierre.  What days do they pick?  Thursday/Friday.  Eric is devastated!  He wasn’t super looking forward to speed dating, but he had already bought in so this isn’t what he wanted to hear.  Trying to be responsible, Eric emails the people saying he won’t be able to make it.  (The fifth email Eric sent in his adult life.  A very proud moment!)

Wednesday – ”Psych, you idiot, you thought we were going to Pierre tomorrow? Wrong! Hope you didn’t cancel any plans. (maniacal laugh)” said Eric’s boss.  Eric emailed the people, having the perfect balance of begging to let him back in, but not sounding too needy.  Now he plays the waiting game.

Thursday – Eric gets that beautiful email at 9:00 in the morning that says he is in for the evening.  Now the only thing he has to do is get harassed by his coworkers and nervously wait. 

(end of 3rd person)

As I finished bending rebar at the Lynde shop on Thursday afternoon, I had no choice but to prepare for the night that I was both dreading and excited for.  The mountains were blue, so I had a Coors Light to go with my hot shower and we were ready to go!

Just kidding!  Way too much to stress about before we were ready.  The temp on game day was long sleeve T weather.  Perfect, right?  Get to wear my favorite type of clothing, so at least I’m comfortable, right?  Wrong!  I don’t have any good long sleeve Ts.  My four best long sleeve Ts are all black, which is a win.  (Because I’m fat and black is slimming.)  However, I don’t think my speed dates would appreciate a B1G Tourney, 2016 Cubs World Series, Kim Kardashian playing tennis in a swimsuit, or Kendrick Lamar “Nobody pray for me” shirt.  So we had to go a different route. I went with a charcoal-pepperish short sleeve T.  I put on the skinniest pair of jeans I own, a pair of Levi’s 514 stretch fit which I just so happened to rip later that week running a 40 yard dash.  And I was one step closer. 

To complete the fit, I was debating between my all black Chucks and my yellow Cats.  We went with the yellow Caterpillar shoes. If you know Eric, this should not surprise you, they’re the best shoes I own.  I call them the trifecta because you can wear them to all 3 places: the basketball court, the club, and the jobsite.  The Cats were the ballsiest choice of my pretty tame outfit, but I had to have a little bit of Eric shine. 

One last thing.  I need to give some reverse shout outs to the chunky boys store and banker cake boy (not their real names).  I called both of you to hype me, neither answered, so I had to go into this by myself.  Real shout outs to Beyoncé and Oh Captain, My Captain for texting me everything was going to be ok, and that I’d do fine.  After listening to the greatest 9:00 YouTube video ever, that is “the 8 Mile rap battles,” Eric, like BRabbit, was ready to conquer the (free) world. (Rookies)

• 

• 

• 

I arrived at my destination and checked in on time like a well behaved adult person, but quickly ran into the most dreaded part of the whole experience, WAITING!  I was so uncomfortable just standing there having to make what my co-worker calls “forced camaraderie.” 

(Side note: What’s the move here, do you bro it up? Or, do you go pre-hit on the women?)

I don’t like being creepy or forcing myself on people, so I went the bro route. I saw a guy with a Mission Haiti hat on so I figured I can talk to this guy, and if we have nothing else to talk about, I can always talk crap on my cousin Paul.  Mission Haiti hat guy, good dude!  I ended up having my table next to his, and if nothing else came out of this night, at least I got a new friend! 

The forced camaraderie came to an end, and we were finally ready to start dating.  Earlier I said that the reason I signed up was they needed guys.  Well, bad news for me, the guys showed up.   Total sausage fest.  I was there for 10 minutes and went home.  JK lol. There were more guys, so I had to wait like two or three dates before I got started.  But like our Pringles proverbs taught us, “Once you start, you can’t stop.”  Or something like that, I don’t know, I’m not a historian.

How the dating worked:  We would date someone for three minutes, talk about life insurance, Liberty University, and the Pursuit of Happiness starring Will Smith (2008) and move on. I think that three minutes is a good amount of time to see someone’s personality shine, but also short enough that the painful ones don’t seem that long.  At the end of each date, you marked either would date, would be friends, or would never like to see this individual again.  I don’t know why “would be friends” is an option. It’s called speed dating, not speed friendzoning. 

As much as I want to give you a paragraph description of each date, I don’t think either of us wants that. So here are some highlights: 

• Girl with the best hair/best eyes also played volleyball.  If you are reading this and want to sub for my team, open invitation. 
• I started every conversation off with “How are you doing today?” to let them all know I care more about their mental/emotional health over everything else.  #wokedaddy
• A girl said her thing was cross fit, and I go “Oh, bet you’re part of an MLM too”…crickets (this joke is a lie, I was very nice).
• There was a nice girl whose hobby was painting.  So naturally I had to tell her I’m in the works of painting a picture of Kanye West and Taylor Swift at the VMA, but they’re both reptilian shapeshifters.  #killingit
• Home girl worked for an eye doctor.  I spent my entire three minutes talking to her about the best way to navigate the eye doctor without insurance. (Only time I bombed all night!)
• Smoking hot first grade teacher at Fred Assem!  She was too hot for me, but if there are any single guys out there, I can set you up.
• This girl’s main thing was true crimes.  Definitely not my cup of tea, but I understand some people love that.  Her claim to fame was that her grandma was a nurse for either Bundy, Gacy, or Dahmer.  I can’t remember which one, but a weird claim, nonetheless.
• One girl said one of her hobbies was listening to music.  I asked her what kind of music she liked. She says “all kinds.”  I ask who her favorite rapper is.  She says,  “I don’t really listen to rap.”  Why would you lie to me on our first date…just be yourself.
• One of the nice ladies was in digital marketing, and I wisely spent my time finding out how to get the most interactions on my blog.

My biggest issue with the whole speed dating thing was “How do I plug my blog without sounding like a total doucher?” One of the main questions that comes up is “What are your hobbies?”  And, my main cool hobby is this. (Shout out to all my readers, especially the young, cool, attractive, single ones.)  I realize that having a blog is so 2007, but the good news is I love it so I have no problem plugging the blog. The blog came up like five times, and I gave out the address at least 2.5 times so hopefully we got new readers. 

Sadly, I don’t think I found Mrs. Bteamballer.com.  I only gave out my number to three people, two that I felt I matched up well with, and one because she was the hottest girl.  But let me tell you what, I absolutely killed it.  I felt like I was at a college party again where all I had to do was talk to someone for three minutes, be the funniest guy in the room, and move on.  My friend, the smoking hot first grade teacher, described it as “a combination of wine tasting and parent teacher conferences.”  I’ve never had the opportunity to do either of these activities, but I relate to it big time.

It’s been over a week, and I have got zero information about who I matched up with.  Maybe I just absolutely bombed and have less game than I thought.

But, you know what?  As long as I had fun and made a new Mission Haiti friend, that’s all that mattered all along.  That being said, I am still very single and eligible.  If you yourself or someone you know is attractive, has vision insurance, and would like to date an amateur blogger, I know a guy.