So I spent the first part of my College Football Playoff Saturday watching the new Star Wars Rise of Skywalker. As those of you who read my Christmas Card (the og readers) know, I’ve been trying to get back into caring about college football, and watching the Rise of Skywalker beforehand really threw my whole mindset off. Here are my predictions for the CFP game 1: Tigers, game 2: Tigers, championship: Tigers. (Published post games so if I’m wrong, “So be it”- Emperor Palpatine) But first, here are my thoughts on Rise of Skywalker! I’m going with a list format because it’s easy, and I want BuzzFeed to hire me. 

Possible spoilers ahead, you’ve been warned.

1. “You’re a parselmouth. Why didn’t you tell us?”- Finn

“I’m a what?”- Rey

“You can talk to snakes.”- Poe

HP already did the talking to snakes thing, Star Wars. Stay in your lane!

2. My least favorite part of the new Star Wars movies is that they swear in them. Just because something is rated PG-13 doesn’t mean you have to swear in it. Let’s stick to saying things like Nerfherder and not @$$. 

3. Spoiler – This movie was slightly cheesy, and the scene where the Jedi before Rey speak to her fits this mold well. It was cool hearing former actors like Frank Oz talk to Rey, but hearing Liam Nesson gave me goose pimples. He didn’t do his Qui-Gon Jinn voice, he did his ‘What I do have is a very particular set of skills. I will find you, and I will kill you!’ voice. I wasn’t expecting Qui-Gon Jinn to give the best performance of the movie, but I guess that’s why JJ Abrams is the greatest director of all time. 

4.  Spoiler – I have a co-worker (and friend), and we will text Star Wars quotes to each other about once a week.  One of my go-to’s is “Red Five, standing by.” So, when “Red Five” is spoken in the last 20 minutes of the film, it made me a happy Ric.

5. This is going to be my biggest point, which also involves the most thinking, but it’s the biggest problem I have with the lore of the Star Wars franchise. Star Wars has mentioned multiple times about bringing “balance to the force,” but we are never really told what this means. We basically eliminated the Sith at the end of Return of the Jedi, and Luke is the only force user left, and he starts his own little school of Padawans when his nephew goes rogue. You know when Luke is all depressed in The Last Jedi saying the Jedi need to go away…he’s not wrong! Spoiler – We end the movie with Rey being the the only Force user left. She is equipped with a yellow lightsaber, and I think hers being neither red nor green, but yellow, is supposed to symbolize the balance in the force. However, if she trains anyone, you can only assume that they will be the perfect neutral Ryen Russilo force user like she is. What would truly bring balance to the Force is to just not teach anyone how to use it, but let it die out and become an ancient art form and not an instrument for someone to take over the galaxy.
6. Spoiler – Did we really need Rey and Kylo Ren to kiss at the end, just to have him die right after. We don’t have to make everything a love story.  This seemed forced.

7. Spoiler – What was up with Lando talking to that former Stormtrooper girl at the end? It just left unanswered questions. Was this his kid? When is Childish Gambino coming out with a new album, and will they make a reference to Lando in the new season of Atlanta?

8. So in Star Wars A New Hope, the Death Star is powerful enough that it can blow up a planet. We now have Star Destroyers that can do that.  It just seems like a bit much. I understand that technology is constantly getting better, but if this is the new standard weapon in the new Star Wars universe, I feel like planets will get blown up over parking disputes. 

9. I found 2 themes from the movie, and they contradict each other, but I’m gonna make it work because, after all, I am a wokedaddy. The first theme is ‘the whole movie is an allegory for the perseverance of the saints.’ Kylo Ren fell off the path but was brought back to the “good” side in the end because that was his fate the entire time. 

The second theme is ‘the whole movie is an allegory for “we get to choose our own fate.”’ Spoiler – At the end of the movie when Rey is on Tatooine, the lady asks her what her last name is, Rey replies, “Skywalker.” We get to decide our own fate. We aren’t our parents children. You hear that, Al? My last name is also Skywalker, and there is nothing you can do about it! 

10. Ric’s review: Two Thumbs Up. I really enjoyed this movie. I’ve been a fan of Star Wars my whole life (my favorite color is green because that’s the color of Luke’s lightsaber in ROJ), and a lot of internet people have been crapping on this movie. “Like it’s Star Wars bro, just enjoy it.” It’s supposed to be fun, you know. I enjoyed it. I had fun. I thought it was the best one of the new trilogy. I liked this movie so much I cried at the end while Rey was staring into the suns. Not my best moment, but it was my moment!

May the force be with you!

As most of you know, I’m not a big meme guy.  I mean I like knowing what’s funny and what all the people are talking about so I don’t ignore them when I see them, but for the most part I do not like memes. Do you know what’s been a real pain in my meme the last 5 Christmases?  Die Hard is a Christmas movie. I think the idea of Die Hard being a Christmas movie is funny. It has everything a traditional Christmas movie needs; terrorists, Bruce Willis, and a catchphrase with a curse word in it. Here is the big problem when it comes to Die Hard as a Christmas movie:  I have never even watched Die Hard. No problem though. We’ll get through this together. We’re going to come up with the power rankings of “BLANK is a Christmas movie” movies.

Honorable Mention:  Empire Strikes Back.  No Christmas mentioned here, but the snow planet Hoth is a true winter wonderland.  In honor of the greatest Star Wars film (not my opinion, but the masses) we should add a 3rd winter greeting right behind “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays.”  It should be “Echo Base. This is Rogue 2. I’ve found them, repeat, I’ve found them.”

5.  Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.  (I feel comfortable calling it the Sorcerer’s Stone over the Philosopher’s Stone because I’ve only had people from America read my blog so far.)  I believe all or most of the Harry Potters mention Christmas, but I chose this as the one because it’s my favorite, the most quotable (insert tease to a future blog here), and for this particular scene:

It’s “Merry Christmas,” you silly British people.

4.  Batman Returns.  TBH, probably haven’t seen this since I was 16, so I don’t have any way to actually relate this back to Christmas, but, hey, nobody has a top 4 power rankings so I had to include it.  I don’t think I could watch it now. Danny Devito is kinda ruined as an actor for me. He’s always gonna be Frank Reynolds, and no one else. Although Frank and the Penguin do both have guns and enjoy going into the sewer, I don’t know the Penguin’s stance on boiling denim or rum-ham. (…or bangin hoors)

Sidebar:  This movie made me believe Danny Devito was this fat.  If Danny Devito were this fat, he’d be dead.

Fun Fact:  Paul Ruebens (Pee-Wee Herman) is Penguin’s Father

3.  Rudy.  Okay, this is the least Christmassy of all the movies on this list.  Approximately 2% of the movie takes place during Christmas, but, hey, it qualifies.  It reminds us of a Christmas tradition as old as leaving cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, or your family ruining Christmas (it happens to everyone).  Rudy shows his dad his report card (an A and 3 Bs), and all his dad has to say is “Good for you.” Plus, his brother steals his fiance. Not exactly the joys of Christmas, but, hey, nobody said Christmas was a cakewalk.

2.  Eyes Wide Shut.  I mean, it’s a movie about falling in love at Christmas time in New York during the 1990s.  It’s like every white girl’s dream! I mean, I should also mention that secret Masonic sex cult parties are also part of it, but, hey, love is about the journey not the destination or something, right?, Also, this movie broke up Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s marriage.  Not making a comment about it, just stating a fact. 

1. Rocky IV.  Probably not only the greatest Christmas movie of all time, but the greatest regular movie of all time.  So, I think we can all agree that a virgin birth is the greatest miracle that has ever happened on Christmas Day.  A close second is Rocky kicking the crap out of Drago in Moscow on Christmas Day while getting the predominantly Soviet crowd to chant “ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!”  Not to mention he single-handedly ended the Cold War! Think about that before you vote for Bernie Sanders, Colin! Capitalism baby! Trickle Down Economics! And, World HeavyWeight Champions!  Merry Christmas to all! AHOO! AHOO! AHOO! 

Hope you enjoyed the power rankings on “blank is a Christmas Movie”.  Some people are calling this definitive list on best Christmas movies of all time.  They might be wrong, but we’ll let them have that opinion (it’s me).

If you are looking for a well thought out organized post, today ain’t your day. We’re gonna have another 3 random things post (and at the time of me starting this I only have 2 random things so let’s hope another one comes to me so I can at least be consistent) so bear with me. (Preferably black bear) 

The first topic is a good ole sports related. Now, when I started the blog I really wanted to give well-educated hot sports takes. The only problem is when it comes to sports, I’m a big dummy and have no good or original sports opinions. The next 3-5 sentences should prove that I have terrible sports opinions and takes.

I don’t know if this happens to normal people but I think about a handful of random subjects that have no relevance in my life about once a month. I’m convinced I will think about these random things for the rest of my life even after I’m in a nursing home and forget the names of all my loved ones. Possibly the dumbest of all random thoughts I have concerns an Eastern Conference first round game between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Indiana Pacers in 2017. I didn’t even watch this game, but since I was a big Lebron guy (pre-Hong Kong opinion situation )I got all the Cavs updates on my phone. (Not to get political, but as soon as the playoffs start I’m gonna be back with Lebron, I have no actual moral convictions) 

So you are thinking “Eric what’s so good about this eastern conference first round game that makes you think about it once a month? You didn’t even watch it you idiot.” First off, harsh. Secondly this was Kevin Love’s stat line. Eleven boards, 6-7 shooting for 27 POINTS! I’M GOING TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I’M YELLING 27 POINTS ON 7 SHOTS!!!!!!! Before you say anything, he did go 12-12 from the charity stripe which helps, but dude was on fire that night. I don’t know if you should keep shooting and feed the hot hand or if his thought process was just be the most efficient person even. See I told you my sports opinions were bad. I’m not even trying to make a point in all of this. I just want to address the fact that Kevin Love scored 27 points off 7 attempts. I think this is amazing. Learn a thing from your boy Kevin, Russ.

 Sorry that was awful sports take (if you can even call it that) to make up for it here is a side by side comparison of Minnesota Kevin Love and my brother in law.

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Going from one World class athlete to another, let’s talk about Disney on ice. The reason I am bringing up Disney on Ice is because it was in Sioux Falls this weekend and although I did not go I went to it last year so I kinda get the idea. To work at Disney on ice you need to sell your morals (soul?) and work for a company that doesn’t want you to be an individual or have any creative thoughts, and be able to ice skate. It’s a lot like working at Lynde Construction, except you have to be able to ice skate. But here is the kicker, if you start working at Lynde Construction, you don’t have to know the first thing about concrete! We can teach you! If you work for Disney on Ice however, you have to know a lot about ice skating and be very good at it. 

Here’s how I imagine it goes. You are the best figure skater in your local club as a young child, with dreams of being the next Brian Boitano or Michelle Kwan. You’re parents pay a stupid amount of money for private coaching and you go to the super regional championships 4 years in a row! However, you never win, never go to nationals, let alone the olympics. Suddenly you are 21 years old, you have no discernible skills except ice skating, and are looking for a career. You apply to Disney on Ice, get hired, and travel the country while getting paid to ice skate for the happiest company on earth. The idea sounds great at first, until you remember Timmy who beat you in the regional finals, is getting interviewed by Bob Costas on NBC while having his face put on a Wheaties box. Instead of your face being on a Wheaties box, your face isn’t visible because you are Ice skating with a giant Buzz Lightyear head on. 

It might not be as bad as I’m making it out to be, but has to be absolutely humiliating to go from olympic dreams to Buzz Lightyear costume. 

Well Nebraska just lost to Iowa, so for my third point: Don’t be passionate about sports, you’ll end up heartbroken and alone. 

More theme blogs coming in December see you then!

Well South Dakota is trending, and that can only mean one thing! We made a stupid ad campaign! Now instead of not jerking while we drive, we’re all on meth. First off, I would like to get it out there, I have never done (or plan to do) meth. However, working in what I like to call the industry, I have met plenty of people who have done meth. Meth is bad for the most part (I’m actually going out on a limb here and say it’s 100% bad) but here is my one meth story.

But, before we get into it, here is a joke that my friend Thunder the Wolf (not his real name) made. (Preface Obama is coming to Lake Area Tech to give the Commencement address for graduation.) “This is the biggest thing to happen to Watertown since meth.” A classic joke, now on with the show!

My one year that I didn’t pour that sweet Lynde gravy, I was working for a concrete outfit in the Dirty Deen. During my first day working for a company I didn’t know, I had to make an hour long drive with some guy I don’t know. I mean the first couple minutes are fine, talk about where we’re from, family, how long we’ve been in concrete. Then we hit the good question, “What did you do before you worked at Company X?”

We then had a 5 second pause… “You remember back in 2008 when meth was real big?” 

My brain brought up two questions, right away.

1. In 2008, I was a freshman in high school, do you know what the last thing on my mind was? Meth. I didn’t know jack about meth in 2008, so no bro I don’t really remember when meth was real big back in 2008. 
2. If I know anything about South Dakota’s meth problem, it may have been prevalent in 2008, but it hasn’t gone anywhere. Meth is still big!

Anywho, we talked about meth dealing, how it worked, and whatnot for like an hour. One of the most interesting conversations I’ve ever had. I don’t talk to most people about drugs they’ve dealt, but when I have, it’s always been stimulating conversation. Dude was basically Heisenberg of a Northeast South Dakota. You wanted meth, it came through him. I asked him why he got out. He told me his partner got shot. Wow, shit just got real. The idea of meth is funny and interesting until you realize people die.

Transitioning from a fun back-story about my favorite former meth-dealing coworker to a more serious note, I had one coworker who got addicted to meth. It was incredibly sad to see the decline in his life. Meth eventually took over his life and led to him dying at age 21 because he was high on meth. 

Meth is a problem folks. The ad campaign might be terrible, only worse if they threw in classic big boob marketing, but at least we’re talking about the issue.

Well folks, if you are reading this on the day that I am posting this, it is my birthday. So instead of writing Happy Birthday on my wall (Unless you write something creative. I love that, and it makes me feel like our friendship is special.), how about you like this post and support me as a future failing writer. (I’m asking only because it’s my birthday. I will never beg for likes on my unbirthday.)

Anywho, so the topic of today’s post is about Birthdays, more specifically, my birthday. We will be going through A) weird birthday traditions, B) more specifically, my weird birthday traditions, and C) a short Power Rankings of my birthdays of my recent memory. (That was the thesis line in the history of the world.) 

So at this point, the two main traditions are bringing donuts to my coworkers and going out to eat with my family. First off, why do I have to bring treats on my birthday…that should be someone else’s job? It’s my day, treat me like the king I am. Point 1.2, I once had a coworker ask me for a second donut because he’s “a growing boy.” Sorry Troy, you aren’t a growing boy. You are 55 and weigh 300 pounds! (My donut buying strategy is 1.5 donuts times the number of people.) The second tradition of going out to eat with the fambam is always odd for me. I always feel I really need to do a good job at picking a restaurant, but feel like a failure when I end up choosing BDUBs for the 10th year in a row.

As for weird traditions that I do, there are two albums that I have listened to on my birthday for what will be the 4th year this year. Those two albums are: Beyonce’s Lemonade, and the NBA LIVE 2003. One of these is very relevant about growth and overcoming adverse situations in life, and the other is by Beyonce. I have no idea how either of these began as a tradition for me, but I will continue this time honored tradition until I grow up or move on to the NBA LIVE 2004 soundtrack. My theory is that the NBA Live soundtrack reminds me of my childhood, when my life was at its best (like when I was 11, and Steve Francis was still relevant in the NBA). And, Lemonade represents the struggle of dealing with situations that you don’t ask for in life, addressing those issues, and, like Beyonce’s grandma, being “served lemons, but i made lemonade.” 

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Ok, ladies, now let’s get information and go through my Top 26 birthdays from 26 to 1. JK LOL. I can only remember like 5ish off the top of my head, so we’re going to go with that.

26) My 24th birthday, I’m gonna stick to sports, so I won’t go in depth on what happened, but you can look it up. Plus, I had a craving for a fruit pizza, and that’s what I asked my mom to make me for a cake…and my brother-in-law has never let me live it down since.

25) My 13th birthday. So the one day of the year where I get to make all the choices for dindin, my idiot, 13-year-old, self makes the dumbest decision ever. We went to Little Caesars, and then went to Cold Stone for dessert. I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea! I’m sure Big Al would have let us get Cold Stone and Applebee’s. We didn’t have to drop all the way down to Little Caesars. 

The Middle ones are kind of a blur.

3) My 8th birthday. I had dinosaur candles, and they were awesome! I had made a comment to my mom at the grocery store about how cool these Candles were, and she bought them for me. Pretty cool. 

2. My 17th birthday. I joked for a good 6 months that I wanted a surprise party. Three of my friends and my lovely mother planned the whole thing out. I was watching the Husker game in the basement, and my buddy calls me and says, “Hey, you can’t be in your basement all night.  Let’s hang out. It’s your birthday.” I reluctantly said, “Yes,” but in reality, I just wanted to watch Nebraska. Anyway, I walk upstairs to a “ERIC PUNT EVERYBODY” and half of my class is in my kitchen, which is crazy because I only have 3 friends at this point. Good times had by all. I don’t remember what we did or anything like that, but still, who can say they had a surprise party thrown for them. It was like I was actually living in a sitcom.  And, I’m pretty sure this was the last time Nebraska defeated a top 20 team by beating Oklahoma! And to top it all off, in the craziest turn of events, Matt O’Hanlon had 3 interceptions and won national player of the week or something crazy like that. (NOT TRUE-looked it up, not even close. They beat 7th ranked Mizzou like the next year, and they beat 12th ranked Penn State, and No. 9 Michigan State their first year in the Big Ten. Bo Pelini, please come back in my life.)

1. My 23rd birthday. My friends, Dan, Meg, Lyds, Mollz, Mik, and Katie, helped me throw the most self serving party that has ever existed. We threw a party in the Missouri River Room in the Student Center on the campus of Northern State University in Aberdeen, South Dakota on a Sunday afternoon. We had cheese and crackers, and some sort of juice, and a social hour. Very fancy when you are a 9th semester college student. But, the self serving part came with the later activities at the event. We played Eric Punt Trivia (the greatest of all the trivia), followed by write down your favorite Eric moment, and I had to read them and guess who wrote it. It was a hodgepodge of people that showed up, but that’s kinda how my life is. It was a very enjoyable afternoon, plus I had like an hour where I was just there to entertain people, which has always been my dream.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, and a very merry unbirthday to you.

“Happy Saturday!” he wrote, knowing full well this didn’t stand a chance of getting published that day. Sorry to those who are looking for a well organized piece, we’re just getting Eric’s random Saturday thoughts. My current Saturday activities have been: waking up, going to Joker, and now I am currently watching Oklahoma vs. Texas in the good ole “Red RIver Shootout”. As much as I would like to give a fully excellent review of Joker, I don’t have those skills, but, guess what I do have? Thoughts and opinions on random aspects of the movie!  

First things first (I’m the realist), twenty one minutes of trailers. I’m not complaining, just stating a fact. In those twenty one minutes (enough time to watch an episode of The Office on Netflix, again, not complaining just stating facts) they showed a gem of a trailer for a movie called Uncut Gems. It’s a gambling movie (one of my favorite categories), stars Adam Sandler (hasn’t made a good movie since 1996), and features Kevin Garnett (a professional athlete, a group not known for their acting skills) and Mike Francesa (my sports media nemesis)! This movie is going to be awful, but you bet your sweet behind I’m going to see it. I could probably burn ten dollars and get just as much enjoyment, but then again, this movie might be a diamond in the rough! (get it, ‘cause it’s called Uncut Gems)

So here’s my review of Joker: (We do movies now. That’s our thing.)

Fine, entertaining, good. I interpreted it as: Society doesn’t get to tell us what’s funny. We get to decide that ourselves. (I can say that because I’m a self described comedian.) 

Rating: 👍

My main question during Joker: “Where is Donald Glover?” This movie has two of the three main characters from FX’s Atlanta. For those that don’t know what Atlanta is, it’s a dark comedy about trying to make it in the rap industry. I’m not saying the show was tailored specifically for me (it’s not btw), but when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember dark comedies and rap music, and then I don’t feel so bad. 

Van (Zazie Beetz) plays the Joker’s Neighbor/Love interest, and Paperboi (Brian Tyree Henry) plays the dude at the records department of Arkham State Hospital. Why couldn’t they have just thrown in Donald Glover as a Gotham hotdog vendor or something? Have Joker buys a hotdog, and Donald Glover says, “Hey, I like the look you got there.” He actually doesn’t need to say anything. He could have just handed over the hotdog. It would have been cool to see all three together, but since they didn’t, they provided me with content instead. And I’m in the content business, so it all works out in the end.

Quick side story about my life. One of my worst qualities is trying to figure out where i have seen actors before. I was watching a movie with my old roommate, Cakes (not his real name to protect his identity). I go, “Oh, that’s blank from blank.” and his reply was, ‘We get it Eric, actors have been in other things.’

And before you say, “But Eric, Darius is a main character in Atlanta, and he wasn’t in the movie.” He was in a trailer, so I’m counting that. 

Now that we have Joker talk out of the way, you know what else is a joke? The Red River Shootout. (It’s not called this anymore, but it’s what they call it in NCAA Football 2005 on Gamecube, and I ain’t changing now.)

It’s a neutral site game played at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas, which is roughly 90 miles from Norman and Austin. Here’s the issue I have with it. IT TAKES PLACE DURING THE TEXAS STATE FAIR. I can’t even come up with an analogy that makes sense to compare how dumb it is. [SDSU vs. NDSU at the Summit corner played on my birthday, my best attempt] Each team gets 50% of the tickets, which is good, but the game takes place during the celebration of the state of Texas for just existing. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good neutral site rivalry just as much as the Dallas Airbnb market does. Just don’t have the game during the Texas State Fair, that’s all I’m asking. On a side note, the Texas State Fair is 24 days long! I don’t care if everything’s bigger in Texas. This is way too long. Chill out Texas! You aren’t as great as everyone (mainly just yourself) says. #BCF4LYFE

Alright boys and girls, let’s get out our Bob Ross Joy of Painting kits because we’re going to paint a picture. 

Imagine it’s 5:45 am, Big Sean’s “Stick to the Plan” starts playing on your phone notifying you that it’s the worst part of your day, time to get up. Your bed is warm, your house is a cool 63℉, and outside is a miserable 20℉ (-7℃ for my international readers). You are dreading leaving your bed let alone going outside. Finally, the strength is mustered up. You get out, and you get dressed; long johns, wool socks, thermal top, sweatshirt, muck boots. It’s a battle with the cold out there, and you ain’t losing. As the final drops of that sweet bean juice filter through your Mr. Coffee, you put on the finishing touches of your armor. Your Carhartt coat and high vis Carhartt hat. Your pants are going to get wet.  Your boots may be insulated, but you know by 3:00 pm your feet will be cold. The only articles of clothing you have faith in are your hat and coat. You wear that goofy C-wave logo like a badge of honor. You’re a man (or woman) of the industry. You work hard sunup to sundown, no matter the terrain or weather. You are the backbone of America, Big Ten Football might as well be your middle name, and what keeps you warm is Carhartt. You’ve earned it buddy.

And scene. 

Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that you can’t wear Carhartt.  In fact, I think Carhartt themselves wants you to buy their stuff (free market capitalism baby!).  I won’t tell you “you can’t,” I’m just gonna do the “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed,” and make you feel bad so you stop buying them. 

My humble opinion: The only ones deemed worthy to sport it are those of us that work in what I like to call “the industry”. Who are those who work in the “industry“? Well, if you have to ask, it’s probably not you. Concrete guys obviously fit into the mold, but other blue collar jobs do too; carpenters, plumbers, electricians, mechanics.

I would like to make a point here and say farmers are not part of the industry, although they are allowed to wear Carhartt only because they feed us. They don’t work as hard as they say they do.  I like how Obi-Wan describes farmers in Empire: “He’s more machine than man. His mind is twisted and evil.” (JK LOL ANF 4 LYFE)

So we learned who can wear Carhartt, but who can’t? Basically everyone else, but here are the 3 I have the biggest beef with.

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1. The Kardashian-Jenner clan. You are going to sit here and tell me Psalm West is working concrete? Little Stormi is out here humping 9 foot pans? Doubt it. I know they’re just babies and probably didn’t pick out their own clothes, but for real…Kim and Kylie, your children are the last people who should be wearing Carhartt. Your kids should be wearing clothes from some company I’ve never heard of, not the same thing as me.
2. The Hipster/Art Major/College students. The Carhartt stocking caps are neutral colors and can go with anything. There’s a variety of colors, and they are inexpensive. So you buy a brown, navy, and pink one at ten bucks apiece. Three hats, 30 bucks. Not a bad deal, right?  Wrong! It is a bad deal because it’s not $30, it’s $39, because you dang college kids drove up the price on these bad boys. I bought my first Carhartt hat for $9. Same hat, same store (Campbells Supply 49th & Western–sponsor me please) is now $13 dollars. That’s a 44% price increase in a short 7 years! That’s crazy!  In that same time gold has only gone up 15%. Carhartt hats are literally more valuable than gold! The sad thing is the people you are screwing by these price increases are people in “the industry” (and farmers).
3. This is gonna trip some triggers, but the last group of people who shouldn’t wear Carhartt is…drum roll please…Feed Salesmen. This guy, he knows about farming, or he sells ya tools if you are a construction guy, but he’s not out there getting his paws dirty. He could tell you the price of corn on any given day, but he don’t care at the end of the day, ‘cause it aint gonna affect his livelihood. If most of your business is done inside the F-150, that’s a problem. It’s a means of transportation, not a worksite. I award you no Carhartt, and may God have mercy on your soul. (Lenny, if you are reading this, it doesn’t apply to you. You’re my boy.)

Everyone needs to stay warm, there’s no disputing that. But leave the Carhartt for the people of the industry (and farmers). Go wear your Columbias, NorthFaces, and Patagonias, but as for Carhartt, would you please stop?  I’m Scott Hoy.

Hello my Friends, sorry for the delay in posting. I wrote a blog last week (750 words about college football rivalries and why Iowa needs to stop playing ISU.) It was bad so I didn’t post it. My goal is to keep you, the reader, happy and post about every 10(ish) days. Don’t get your hopes up though.

First things first, I was at Clones v. Hawks this past week (he wrote on Thursday and didn’t publish till the following Monday) and if you are wondering if a 6 hour football game is a good time, it’s actually the worst. If northwest Iowa doesn’t want to elect Steve King, they can always elect Kirk Ferentz because he is painfully conservative. (This is a political blog now. Also I know Iowa city isn’t in NW Iowa, it’s a joke because I’m so passionate about Iowa politics.) 

Iowa sucks, alright moving on. You guys remember last time I posted about marketing and everything was semi-connected? Well it’s not going to be this time. I got 3 thoughts and they are completely unrelated. Buckle up because here we go baby!

Ok, imagine you are at the lake with your friends, family, or significant other. Now you’re thinking, ‘how could I let my friends know that I’m cool’,‘how could I make my dad be less disappointed in me‘, or ‘what would make home girl super impressed with me?’ respectively. The answer to all these is skipping a rock on the lake at least 5 times. You walk up and down the beach (or what we call a beach in South Dakota, more of a glorified gravel pit) but here’s the thing, you can’t find any good skipping rocks. You know why? All the good rocks have been skipped. Rocks are a lot like land and they ain’t making any more of them. Humans have been skipping rocks for what I assume is millions of years, and all the good ones are in the water. We’re just left with the duds, leaving us uncool, unimpressive, disappointments. Moving from throwing things into the water to going under it…

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Disney has been in the public eye for casting a black Ariel and people are apparently up in arms, but the real controversy is in the opening line from the song “Under the Sea.” Sebastian the crab in his wonderful Jamacian accent bellows out, “The Seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake.” First off, before you call me an idiot, I get it, it’s supposed to be a play on the grass is greener, but let’s pretend I am an idiot and break down a lyric from a G-rated animated movie that came out in 1989. The Little Mermaid takes place “Under The Sea” they live in an unnamed  body of water (ocean/sea) presumably by Europe. Spoiler alert, oceans and lakes are two totally different things and these worlds hardly ever mix. There is no way Sabastian, or Ariel for that matter, would know what the heck a lake is. It’s not like there is an underwater Internet that Ariel can go look up the different bodies of water. This is information she had to have been told and there are only a handful of fish that can go in both fresh and saltwater. So are these fish out here telling the citizens of Atlantica of these crazy foreign bodies of water with walls called lakes? I highly doubt it. (Plus most of these fish are located in America.) The line doesn’t make any sense really and just kind of ruins the whole movie if you ask me. 

I have no good transition into my last point but here it is. The beloved children’s book series, The Boxcar Children. The first book (1924) is about 4 orphans surviving life by camping out in a boxcar before being adopted by their grandpa (spoiler alert). The second book (1949, 25 years later!) is about the kids going on vacation and basically the same plot as the first book just living in a lighthouse I’m pretty sure. (I last read this in 3rd grade and refuse to look it up.) Every other book in the series (including books 3-19 still by the original author) are mysteries. 

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1. What are you doing. Why are you taking a beloved book and making a franchise about it that has nothing to do with the original book. What if we took the previously mentioned Little Mermaid and waited 30 years and made Little Mermaid 2 the Mystery of the Lost Dinglehopper. It’s just a cheap idea taking established characters and making them do something completely different. 
2. These kids were orphans and got adopted by their rich grandpa. (I think. Again I haven’t read these books since 3rd grade.) The last thing I would want to do in their situation would be to solve other people’s mysteries. These kids had a hard life as orphans where they were able to survive living on a train. Just let them chill out and live a rich life, they aren’t  Batman. Although maybe it’s in rich orphans’ blood that they need to solve mysteries/fight crime, I mean small sample size but still 2 for 2. 
3. This is the last and least important point, it’s really just here because if it’s only numbered one and two it would look dumb, but, besides the first book, none of their adventures have to do with box cars. Come on guy, throw us a train every once in a while! 

Thank you guys for reading! Tune in next week for another amazing adventure!

So we’re on blog number 2. Thank you, if you’ve made it this far maybe you’re willing to read a little further. (Just a useless Shawshank reference no one got) Before we get started I got one question about blogs, I’ll be done breaking the fourth wall after this post, what does blog stand for? My first guess is it’s a portmanteau for Biological+Log (as in entry, i.e. captain’s log) so I just get to write things that are affecting my biological life? Well anywho, the thing affecting my life this week is the wonderful world of marketing!

So, I know very little about the world of marketing. I got through about a season and half of Mad Men, thrice, other than that I don’t know much on the art of manipulating others to buy things. But here is a list of 3 of the greatest marketing strategies of all time. (1 great, 1 that is made just for Eric, and the worst marketing strategy of all time)

1. Share a Coke

On my kitchen shelf sits two “Share a Coke with Eric” bottles with this saying on them. Do I need these? No. Am I ever going to drink them? No. (One is diet so even if it didn’t have my name on it I still wouldn’t drink it.) Aside from the two in my kitchen, I have purchased probably 15 Cokes for my friends, family, and coworkers with the thought that they are going to love and cherish this forever. Sadly, I don’t think these bottles get the love and appreciation that I think they need and deserve. Here are my two favorite Share a Coke stories. 

I bought one for my foreman who treated me like absolute crap to make him feel better about his sad life. I’m thinking, “Yes I’m going to finally get Blank’s approval.” I hand it to him, he laughs, and says “Thanks, Punt.”, and moves on with his day. The next day I find  an empty Coke bottle on the ground with Blank’s name on it. Deep down I knew the bottle wouldn’t make it on his mantel but I didn’t want to be the one to find it lying on the ground. 

Coke story number 2, I bought a Coke for my coworker Joe. I can say his name because if there is one person in the world I’m sure will never read this, it’s Joe.  Joe’s reply to this wonderful gift? “What am I supposed to do with this?” 

“Well, Joe, it has your name on it…” Eric replied realizing he’d made a mistake.

“Yeah, I don’t want it…” Joe says as he hands it back to me, making me feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

Basic Eric just falling into the trap. Buying things he doesn’t need because big soda wants him to. Side note: Pepsi realized that Coke had this amazing thing going for them and tried to counter it with emoji Pepsi. Nobody wants a Pepsi with a crying emoji. Everyone wants a share a Coke with Mendoza.

2. Purple

So those of you who know me best know that my favorite social media is good ole fashioned YouTube. For those who haven’t been on the Tube before, the worst part of the world’s greatest free video-sharing website is the advertisements. However, there was one particular ad that showed up before a video in about 2016 where I watched the entire 4:00 advertisement when I could (should) have skipped 3:55 of it. Now we could sit here, and I could poorly describe a YouTube video, or you could just go watch it.  So here is a link.

A woman dressed as Goldilocks dropping eggs while telling me why Purple makes the greatest mattresses of all time made me go zero to 60 in my mattress purchasing desires. The bad news is that I didn’t need one then and haven’t needed a mattress…until now. 

In what some might call the dirtiest ad campaign ever Purple has doubled down on weird marketing strategies that go right after my wallet with The Purple Boys, Quirky, and Geno Purple (Tim and Eric). I have been watching a web series recently (On Cinema at the Cinema), and the people in the web series are doing advertisements before the video.  This should be illegal.  

Moral of the story:  If you just say random weird things, I will want to buy your product. So, the mattress in Casa Del Ric has seen it’s better days, and I want to buy a Purple so badly, but don’t want to look like a sucker buying one just because they have good marketing strategies. I can not think of a greater dilemma in life then not wanting to fall into a marketing campaign. If you have any thoughts/recommendations on Purple, please let me know soon because the labor day sale ends Monday.  

3. Dakota Silencer

For my last marketing campaign that I will be breaking down is what I like to call “Dakota Silencers Big Boob marketing.” I get that sex sells, but this isn’t a bag of Cheetos or a Corvette.  This is a silencer for a gun. If you are going to buy a silencer for your gun you don’t need to be sold on this fact. You’re either going to buy one or you aren’t. The fact that there is a set of big boobs should not affect your decision to buy a silencer. That being said, I drive past Dakota Silencer everyday on my way to work and have two silencers, and I don’t even own a gun.

Well boys and girls, I’m attempting to start a blog, we’ll see if this works. I’m not very organized, and I’m not near as creative as my ego thinks I am.

Why do this? (A question the blog is asking me to answer?)

• As a construction worker, I don’t really get the opportunity to express myself or my creativity. (Although I had a 1’3″ wall the other day, 10-W-8-1-4-inside corner! Double Z-Ties! One of my greatest feats, also my boss yelled at me) [“Wow, is this is the blog? This is going to suck, big time.”- my future readers. p.s. I’m using parenthesis until I find out how to use footnotes. Ya’ll know I’m a footnote man.]
• I’ve written 2 Christmas cards and enjoyed writing so why not try it in the other 11 months of the year! (If you didn’t receive one I’m sorry, I’m going to post them on here so you can read them. If you think you deserve to be on the list you can ask but think before you ask, imagine if you don’t get one, it’d be an all-time low to be rejected by Eric)
• So I’m going to try this, we’ll see if
  • A) I actually use this,
  • B) if its worth reading (thats up to you guys)
• Now with the final bullet point, you may be wondering, “What is our good friend Eric going to blog about?” Good question! He has no clue! I have some ideas, they may be good, they may be bad. We’ll have to see what hits. Some topics that might pop up are:
  • Work Stories
  • Various power rankings (I wanted to do weekly Big Ten power rankings but lets be honest, I don’t watch enough games or have enough interesting things to say on a weekly, but at some point we’ll have at least one set of rankings of the Big Ten variety)
  • Every December my Christmas letter will appear on here.
  • Other life milestone like the beef jerky story!

Well guys, it’s going to (I’ve typed the word “gonna” like a thousand times in this post, it’s gonna be hard to kick this habit) be a wild ride, thanks for reading this far. Here’s to hoping this isn’t the last one!