Elementary My Dear Calvin

There comes a moment in every person’s life when they realize they are an old person. This moment can be different for every person.  For some people, it’s when you have a kid or a grandkid. For others it’s the first time you hear a new song and think, “I can’t believe kids listen to this garbage.” If you don’t have one of these moments that’s fine, you might think you’re still young and relevant, but eventually they will tear down your elementary school and like Bruce Willis at the end of Sixth Sense that you’ve been old the entire time.

This week they (big government/Boys and Girls Club of America) decided to channel their inner Ronald Reagan and tear down my elementary school. 

Now I haven’t been in my elementary school since I graduated in 2005, but the memories I have in that building are endless.  (Cue the Maury clip because that’s a lie, I remember less and less every day.)  What better way to pay homage to your elementary school than to blog about one memory from each grade? Most memories are either great or traumatic, and how many great things happen to you when you are between the ages 5-11?  (Especially at school?)  Answer: not a lot. So if this list seems a little heavy on the complaining side I’m sorry, it’s just what I remember.

Kindergarten: One day me and like 3 other kids just didn’t go outside for recess, and as the bell rang the teacher came in and was like, “Hey you need to go outside for recess even though it has never been established that you need to.” So as a punishment the 3 of us weren’t allowed to do “show and tell.” The theme of “show and tell” that week was something blue, I brought my blue Grover puppet, but you wouldn’t know that because I never got to tell anyone. 

First Grade: So, it was super cold one day so my mom didn’t pack my snow pants because she was planning on us having indoor recess. She was correct that we didn’t have outside recess. However the only kids that were allowed to play with the toys and whatnot for indoor recess were the kids that brought their snow pants because they were prepared or something? And I had to sit at my desk and draw. It was bullshit and I knew it back then. I cried… it was horrible. You can’t let half the kids play and the other half are just supposed to sit there quietly and watch just because their parents didn’t pack their snow pants. We shouldn’t punish kids for their parents’ decisions. (Also, don’t give kids tardies, they can’t drive it’s not their fault they are late.)

Second Grade: We were doing a unit on frogs (more specifically amphibians) and someone caught a frog.  We had it as a class pet for a couple days, and it died overnight. The next morning it smelled so bad. How do teachers get away with letting kids bring wild animals into the classroom as “pets?” I mean that thing was just sitting there for like 3 days in a glass box with no food. No wonder it died. KEEP WILD ANIMALS OUTSIDE!  (Or something.)

Third Grade: For read-a-thon this year we got beef jerky for reading books. (The greatest trade of all time if you ask me.) I made a big mistake and didn’t eat it right when I got it at school. Foolishly took it home for an after-school snack. After watching Dragon Ball Z I go looking for my beef jerky and cannot find it. I ask my mom and she goes, “Oh did you want that?”  Yeah Gail, I did. IT WAS MY BEEF JERKY AND SHE ATE IT! It was at this moment I learned life’s most valuable lesson, Beef Jerky Over Everything.

Fourth Grade: One time at lunch a kid’s thermos exploded. No explanation, it just exploded like a bomb. There was glass everywhere, it was cray cray.

Fifth Grade: We (the entire 5th grade class) played “kill the carrier” at recess and, I cannot stress this enough, everyone played. (Maybe not everyone, but at least 80%.) To no one’s surprise we got in trouble as a class and were all supposed to get tickets. The principal brought us all in the hallway and asked us who was playing. Only like 5 of us admitted to it and got tickets. (Getting a ticket meant you had to sit out one 15 minute recess, also known as the end of the world.) I believe my honesty in this situation is what will get me into heaven one day. (jk I know it’s God’s grace, but for the sake of the joke.)

What a trip huh? Turns out most of the bad things that happened at school were mainly recess related, Disney’s One Saturday Morning always made it look way better. The only part of the physical building I would like to acknowledge is the trough, which got taken out when I was in second grade. Troughs are so much more efficient. 

Side note, I should have mentioned I went to Calvin Christian Elementary. I did not realize my grade school was named after John Calvin until I was like 16. And the insane thing is they didn’t even mention TULIP once in those 6 years. 

I will leave you today with the words of my great and wise father who served on the board at (C)Alvin Christian School.

“Calvin Christian’s Campus is no more. Only the physical foundation remains, but the greater spiritual foundation is forever!”- Al Punt Text message 18:13 25, August, 2020.