You merely adopted the 90’s. I was born in it

In my life I have been forced into 3 camps. I don’t necessarily believe in them, it’s only because the Opposition has forced me.  The internet has forced me to be Team Kanye vs.Team Taylor. Mike Lynde has forced me to be Team Bernie vs. Team Trump. And finally my (STUPID) brother-in-law and my (IDIOTOTIC) former roommate have forced me (SMART and CAPABLE) into to Team LeBron vs. Team Jordan. Do I think LeBron is the greatest player ever? I don’t know, what I do know is he’s the greatest player I’ve seen since I started watching basketball when I was 12. In this essay I will be setting up and knocking down some Michael Jordan strawmen!

My favorite hot take in the Jordan vs Lebron debate is my father, the Big Guy aka the Colonel, is adamant that Kareem is the greatest player of all time. It’s the greatest old man take. I actually like this view, the NBA wasn’t as big when Kareem played, which works against him. One pro-Kareem argument is that the dude played for 20 years in the league and it was a good twenty years. If Kareem isn’t the GOAT, he at least has an argument for the best big man of all time. The best part of my dad’s argument is that he always brings up the UCLA freshman team beating the national champion squad.

You know what LeBron never did? WALKED AWAY FROM THE GAME FOR 18 MONTHS!!!!! Just a casual retirement when you’re 30, in your prime, and are the best player in the world at this moment, totally understandable. In my lifetime I want to be the greatest creteman who ever lived, you know what I’m not going to do?  Quit after a hundred yard pour of 12 foot walls (the equivalent to an NBA Championship) in 3 years. For being the ultimate competitor you don’t just quit. I give my parents a whoopin in Rummikub every other Sunday, when I go on a 6 game win streak and finally lose do I just quit?  No, I rearrange the whole board so that I can lay one tile and frustrate my parents so that they can’t even think! (Did I allude to both my concrete and Rummikub skills being better than Michael Jordan? Yes. Bold? Yes. True? Also Yes.)

For the “LeBron couldn’t make it in the 90’s” argument, this is the worst argument ever. LEBRON IS 6’9” 280! He is a Mack Truck driving into the lane, you think that Bill Laimbeer is gonna stop him? No way. Not now, not ever. LeBron could not only play in the 1990’s he would dominante. 

Straw man number 3, you know how I know LeBron is better than Jordan?  If 5 LeBrons played 5 Jordans, who’s winning? No doubt it’s the LeBrons.  Size, passing, rebounding, it would just be beautiful. The Jordans would all be fighting each other, getting angry at who gets the ball and the shots. Team LeBron would basically be running a three man weave scoring with ease everytime down the court. It would be tough for Team Jordan to score as they’d be constantly punching each other in the face. 

During the two second trivia presented by thefacebook we learned that Jordan and Pippen eliminated the most 60 win teams in the playoffs. You know who the only person to eliminate a 70 win team? LEBRON JAMES

Alright, enough with the strawmen, my big takeaway from this doc has been Jordan is the greatest competitor period. There is no one that will ever be like him. But with that comes the fact that he’s a real dick.  I think I would hate playing with Michael Jordan.  I would enjoy the winning for a year at least but dude did not treat his teammates the best.  Being competitive is fine, punching Steven Kerr might be crossing the line.  Earlier I said I was the Michael Jordan of concrete, I am not. I’m more like the Magic Johnson of concrete (I’m a setup guy, get the whole team involved, dominate), but I work with the Michael Jordan of concrete. Let me tell you it’s awesome to have him there because he can carry the team day in day out. However, it’s also exhausting, he’s not stopping at 5:30 on a Tuesday when you’re dead tired, he keeps going. Imagine that and he also treats you like crap it would suck. I don’t want to have the “Jordan is only a bully” take (I also don’t want this take because if MJ is a bully then so am I).  He  worked his little tookus off and only asked his teammates to do what he did, the problem with this was he’s MICHAEL JEFFERY JORDAN, Scott Burrell isn’t wired the same.

Some of my favorite parts The Last Dance, that are not Jordan related are:

• Joe Dumars punched Michael Jordan in the face in the ECF and didn’t get ejected from the game or suspended. If this happened today, the world would end.
• MJ never had to go against the Man who would be best at stopping Michael Jordan: Scottie PIppen. 
• Horace Grant goggles are the most iconic accessory in NBA history. 

• I don’t know if Jordan, Rodman, and Pippen are the biggest three of all time, but they are definitely the deepest voice three of all time. 
• They didn’t mention the most interesting part about Dennis Rodman, that he broke his penis thrice having sex. 

• The thing that they don’t mention of that era was Bill Murray was one of the best players and retired unlost and untied at the end of Space Jam. He could have been Jordan’s biggest competition.

(My favorite thing that I discovered during this series is that Karl Malone is sponsored by Caterpillar, if he wasn’t a statutory rapist he’d be my favorite player.)  

In conclusion, LeBron is the greatest player I have watched. I’m sure my answer would be different if I was watching those Bulls/Jazz 83-82 battles when I was five. Michael is the most elite competitor of all time, LeBron will never come close. During the time which I’ve been an NBA fan (2004-current) Lebron has been the greatest player and whether your name is Nathan, John, or even Craig, you need to recognize this. 

At the end of the day the Jordan Lebron debate is best summed up with this five second clip from 2011’s Bad Teacher