As most of you know, I’m not a big meme guy. I mean I like knowing what’s funny and what all the people are talking about so I don’t ignore them when I see them, but for the most part I do not like memes. Do you know what’s been a real pain in my meme the last 5 Christmases? Die Hard is a Christmas movie. I think the idea of Die Hard being a Christmas movie is funny. It has everything a traditional Christmas movie needs; terrorists, Bruce Willis, and a catchphrase with a curse word in it. Here is the big problem when it comes to Die Hard as a Christmas movie: I have never even watched Die Hard. No problem though. We’ll get through this together. We’re going to come up with the power rankings of “BLANK is a Christmas movie” movies.
Honorable Mention: Empire Strikes Back. No Christmas mentioned here, but the snow planet Hoth is a true winter wonderland. In honor of the greatest Star Wars film (not my opinion, but the masses) we should add a 3rd winter greeting right behind “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays.” It should be “Echo Base. This is Rogue 2. I’ve found them, repeat, I’ve found them.”
5. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. (I feel comfortable calling it the Sorcerer’s Stone over the Philosopher’s Stone because I’ve only had people from America read my blog so far.) I believe all or most of the Harry Potters mention Christmas, but I chose this as the one because it’s my favorite, the most quotable (insert tease to a future blog here), and for this particular scene:
It’s “Merry Christmas,” you silly British people.
4. Batman Returns. TBH, probably haven’t seen this since I was 16, so I don’t have any way to actually relate this back to Christmas, but, hey, nobody has a top 4 power rankings so I had to include it. I don’t think I could watch it now. Danny Devito is kinda ruined as an actor for me. He’s always gonna be Frank Reynolds, and no one else. Although Frank and the Penguin do both have guns and enjoy going into the sewer, I don’t know the Penguin’s stance on boiling denim or rum-ham. (…or bangin hoors)
Sidebar: This movie made me believe Danny Devito was this fat. If Danny Devito were this fat, he’d be dead.
Fun Fact: Paul Ruebens (Pee-Wee Herman) is Penguin’s Father
3. Rudy. Okay, this is the least Christmassy of all the movies on this list. Approximately 2% of the movie takes place during Christmas, but, hey, it qualifies. It reminds us of a Christmas tradition as old as leaving cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, or your family ruining Christmas (it happens to everyone). Rudy shows his dad his report card (an A and 3 Bs), and all his dad has to say is “Good for you.” Plus, his brother steals his fiance. Not exactly the joys of Christmas, but, hey, nobody said Christmas was a cakewalk.
2. Eyes Wide Shut. I mean, it’s a movie about falling in love at Christmas time in New York during the 1990s. It’s like every white girl’s dream! I mean, I should also mention that secret Masonic sex cult parties are also part of it, but, hey, love is about the journey not the destination or something, right?, Also, this movie broke up Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s marriage. Not making a comment about it, just stating a fact.
1. Rocky IV. Probably not only the greatest Christmas movie of all time, but the greatest regular movie of all time. So, I think we can all agree that a virgin birth is the greatest miracle that has ever happened on Christmas Day. A close second is Rocky kicking the crap out of Drago in Moscow on Christmas Day while getting the predominantly Soviet crowd to chant “ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!” Not to mention he single-handedly ended the Cold War! Think about that before you vote for Bernie Sanders, Colin! Capitalism baby! Trickle Down Economics! And, World HeavyWeight Champions! Merry Christmas to all! AHOO! AHOO! AHOO!
Hope you enjoyed the power rankings on “blank is a Christmas Movie”. Some people are calling this definitive list on best Christmas movies of all time. They might be wrong, but we’ll let them have that opinion (it’s me).
bteamballer 